April 20, 2011

I Have Grieved

Grief is personal, a process, a journey. The journey is different for everyone. I understand the stages of grief: numbness, disorganization, and reorganization. Intellectually, I get it. Ironically, I help other people in the beginning of their grief process in the work I do everyday. Emotionally, I'm living it, too!

I grieved in Texas. Went through the process of 'wrapping up' Dad's affairs in Texas. Going through the motions. Then, I returned to Colorado. Wow! Again, I went through those initial emotions of loss. 'Dad would never come to my house again. Dad won't get to play with our new puppy. He won't see our new stove. If we move, Dad won't know where we are.' Not all these statements are rational, they are words from a grieving daughter.

My grief is compounded because my mom died 2 years and 2 months ago. I was just getting used to not calling her everyday on the way home from work. I was just getting used to not hearing her nebulizer and oxygen machine humming. One of the last words I heard my mom say was to my daughter in response to what kind of golf shoes to get. I could hear her over the phone yelling, "Foot Joys, get Foot Joys." My daughter made the golf team that year!

How have I been grieving? I've been fortunate enough to have off work. Can you imagine being a hospice social worker at this time?

So, I watch TV; do laundry; read; eat ice cream; sleep; write 'thank you' cards; go through photos; post my blog; update my resume; play with the dogs; cry; reminisce with the kids; check in at work; fold and unfold blankets; got a haircut; text my brother a million times; and, just sit on the sofa.

Tomorrow I go back to work for half a day. I have a feeling it will be a difficult day.


  1. My friend, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words I can say that will make the pain go away. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Carla

  2. I read a lot of poetry when I was grieving...it helped me, I also wrote about it on my blog, but I am writer by nature so I write about everything...I hope you find your something that gets you thru...I am sorry for you loss..

    This was one of my favorite poems during that time for me...just remember to take the time to grieve...I think it's important to our souls!

    Grief still has to be worked through.
    It is like walking through water.
    Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet.
    Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down.
    Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall.
    But I know that many waters cannot quench love,
    neither can the floods drown it.
    We are not good about admitting grief, we Americans.
    It is embarrassing.
    We turn away, afraid that it might happen to us.
    But it is part of life, and it has to be gone through.

    – Madeleine L’Engle

  3. Thank you, Ladies! Jaime, this poem is wonderful!